Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I'm the Mommy....May I be Heard....

I'll try not to include too much information here....Sorry in advance....

We had another ultrasound today. Elizabeth Grace still looks fabulous. She was quite the show off. In fact, she even turned into the camera and gave us a thumbs up! She knows everything will be perfectly fine and was reassuring mommy of that same fact. My cervix did lengthen, however, I am still here in the hospital. My cervix is in no way "normal" or a healthy measurement and may not be this entire pregnancy. However, it is improving and the stitch is holding very well. While scanning me, Elizabeth Grace decided to stretch. At this point, we saw her tiny little hand slip into my cervix. Although that was neat to see, it was very scary, but proved the stability of the stitch.

Due to the volume of pressure with her so low, I spent much of the night in a flat tilted position. This worked and she readjusted herself so she wasn't so low relieving all the pressure.

I spent a lot of time yesterday in tears. This journey is so difficult in its own way, fighting for the life of my girl. However, the desire to just be heard as her mother and constantly being discounted or ignored can take its toll as well. Please don't judge me while reading through this. That's easy for someone to do if this isn't your reality. I'm simply writing as a way to express my heart right now, and I trust it will be heard with an open mind. My desires to go home are not selfish desires. They are the desire of a mother willing to sacrifice all for my child/children. Let me explain...

We tried for many years to have William. Nothing we were doing was proving successful. I spent many months loading my body with clomid in an effort to get pregnant. We met with a specialist and underwent a failed fertility treatment. At which point our hearts were devastated and we were at a loss. During the three years we were undergoing all these treatments and medications I battled with my doctors over and over. I insisted on exploratory surgery early on so as to reassure us there were no "hidden" issues. Both my OB and my specialist insisted I was not "symptomatic" of any issues and surgery was just to evasive unnecessarily. I never let up, but they never gave in. So, after LOTS of money, insurance doesn't cover infertility, and a three year emotional roller coaster, I continued my fight. My OB finally "gave in" and agreed to do the surgery. I was prepped for a 30 min exploratory procedure which entering surgery he said, I know we won't find anything, but this will put your mind at ease. 2 1/2 hours later, I woke up in recovery in pain. Once I was able to regain my oxygen levels I was moved to a room where I could see Fred. At this point, he explained to me they had found some complications....I had endometriosis, a cyst, and an issue with my left ovary. Eight weeks after surgery, I was pregnant with William.

My story here, is I had to advocate for myself and our child (which we didn't know we would have at that time). I said I would stop at nothing to try and have another child, and I meant that. Had we sat back, listened to our doctors and specialist, we would not have our William.

There are times when a patient has to advocate for themselves. As with all my pregnancies, from the moment I find out, I have always said I would stop at nothing to assure this baby has a chance. That hasn't changed. Elizabeth Grace deserves nothing short of all I have to give her. Whether I lie in a bed at home or in a hospital, I am determined to give her that chance.

My struggle lies with the fact, I receive no treatment here. I am not on monitors because both the baby and my physical vitals are exceptional. I need no nursing care. Most of the time, my nurses are begging to do something for me like get me water or change my sheets. That's how little care I need or receive. I sit alone in a cold hospital room, meals are brought to me three times a day, and I eat them alone. There is little socialization, and my muscles are deteriorating which is evident through my weight loss. My husband and my family have been excluded from this pregnancy. My ultrasounds are done at random so there is no way to allow Fred the chance to be here, he has very little time to talk and interact with Elizabeth Grace and she is deprived of the sounds and happiness of her home environment. I understand a mother sacrifices all for the life of their child, but sometimes, that doesn't require unnecessary sacrificing.

It's a hard place to be in. Not wanting to make the wrong decision, but trusting yourself and your Faith to make the right decisions. Ultimately, our God is in control. He is how I DO manage to make it from one day to the next along with knowing that's one more day our sweet girl has had a chance to grow. I minimize none of this. I just feel I'm not heard by anyone. I feel I have no say or control over my precious baby girl or my own body or health and that scares me. Each morning I wake up, and each night I go to sleep, I am the Mommy. All I want is a chance to be heard.


  1. Jamie, I just read your last two entries. No it is not to much information for anyone who has had children. Your honesty is very touching and comforting. I am reading this at 6:30 am and it is a beautiful way to start the day. I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that there are those praying for you and your family that you don't even know. Keep up the faith and don't get discouraged. Maybe the doctors know that if you were home you might be tempted to get up just this once and it might be one time to many. As a mom it is hard to let others do for your family but right now you are going to have to be selfish which is almost impossible for a mom. I am sending you my strength, prayers that Elizabeth Grace stays put and endurance for this race.

    In His Love

  2. Thank you Crystal for your words of encouragement. I have good and bad days, but each day is a day more our girl has to grow. Not only are we blessed in that way, but each day is a day I get to see God reveal himself through my sweet husband and my teenage daughter. You are is hard to be selfish when you are a mommy because all we know is to give of ourselves for our families. Your sweet words, thoughts, and prayers are surely felt with our family!