The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day today. One more reminder of who holds my hand. As we travel this journey called life, sometimes you find you are weaker than you think. I like to think I stand on two solid feet, and am able to face any challenge with grace. However, right now, I feel like I'm stumbling through these days. Let me point out, I'm blessed beyond belief. I'm thankful for all I have and more so for the ability to be able to devote 100% of myself to my children and my husband. That does not mean, I'm walking or stumbling with grace.
I know during my greatest of challenges, He does hold my hand. However, sometimes I feel I am tugging at his hand in an effort to remain in control and try to fix it all by myself. One of my favorite songs reminds me that despite our challenges or trials, God will show up just in time. I guess right now, I'm weak in my Faith and need to be reminded more that I'm not in control, He is. He not only holds my hand, but He is holding the hands of my children when I can't. I have to trust in Him to be there when I'm not, and to give them the wisdom they need to grow in Him and to walk in His ways. Maybe I should take that advise for myself?
Being a mom is hard. Even more difficult, when as a mom, you have to release one string at a time and allow your "babies" to soar on their own wings. Why is this part of being a mom so hard?
I guess it's one of those days. It is beautiful outside and I'm living a beautiful life. That doesn't mean clouds won't show up every now and then. Bring on the rain, because I know He is holding my hand.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wow! It's been several months since I posted to my blog. Is that a sign of my busy life, or a simple neglect for taking the time to stop and reflect upon the wonderful things happening? I hope to blog more and continue to share what God continues to do in me and with my family.
I want to take a trip back in time to January 25, 2011. This day will forever be etched in my mind. I began the morning by rushing around, as usual. I woke up at 5:00 to make sure Fred and Amber had lunches for the day and saw them out the door at 6:00. Wow...so early! I thought I would use my time wisely while William slept, however, he decided to wake up. So, we had breakfast, played together, and than began to rush around to get ready to head out the door ourselves for Bible Study. The morning began so well, and I had such a wonderful time with my women's group and all my sweet friends there. Afterwards, we went to lunch and enjoyed each other's company deciding whether or not we were going to go shopping or head home for a nap. Well...okay....so I did a little shopping, but the nap would ultimately win....or so I thought.
William and I arrived home shortly after 1:00. I began to hustle around to prepare his lunch because he was sure making it known he was hungry. As I began to prepare his lunch, my cell phone rang...I looked over and it said "Mom". I answered the phone and heard a painful cry from my mother. Her words were scattered and it was hard to understand her through her tears of pain. I said "MOM" and her response was "Momma died this morning, call Fred". My mother knows I don't always hold myself together, and has reminded me time and time again that's why God gave me Fred. I cried out, "No, No, No...not now". I immediately called Fred, and he and Amber rushed home to comfort me.
Anyone with children, especially a teenager and a baby, knows the crazy life we as moms lead. Recognizing I still had to feed my baby, and gather myself for Amber's sake, I continued preparing William's lunch crying as I did so. Knowing we had to make some immediate plans to travel to Arkansas, I began to gather myself and my thoughts to try and make since out of something I didn't understand. Why? I kept asking...I wanted to see her one more time, I wanted to tell her I loved her one more time, I wanted to hear her tell me she loved me one more time, and I want one more gentle kiss on my forehead one more time!
I spent much of that evening in the arms of my husband. Oh the sweet memories of my beautiful Grandmother and how they filled my mind and my heart at such a sad time. We spent the following day packing and preparing for a trip to Arkansas. We left early Thursday morning and arrived Thursday evening. We had dinner with the family, and began what we knew would be a very difficult weekend for all of us. The next morning, I woke up and asked Fred to take me to the funeral home so I could be with Grandma alone. He did just that. As I entered the room, there she was, her red suit, her beautiful hair, and her make up so simple. She looked so beautiful, yet in all that beauty, my heart sank and my tears began to run endlessly. I held her hand, kissed her forehead, and told her over and over how much I loved her. As we left, I asked Fred to take me to the cemetary. Recognizing this would be overwhelming, I gathered my tissues, and we drove the short distance to the cemetary. As we arrived, I was overcome with emotion at the reality that my Grandma would be there the next day. I sat down next to my baby sister's grave and simply cried. I found myself hurting so bad, yet feeling the relief of knowing our God dries our tears and comforts us when we hurt. I knew we needed to head back to the hotel and prepare for the visitation later in the evening. As I stood up, I fell to my knees, and told my sister, "It's your turn baby girl, Grandma will be here soon". Little did I know at that moment, how my baby sister, and those words would be my source of comfort.
The visitation went well. The flowers were beautiful, and we saw many friends and family. Again, as I left, I kissed my Grandma, told her how beautiful she was, and that I would see her the next day. The next morning was very difficult. Mom had asked that I take some flowers to the cemetary and make sure all the tombstones were pretty. Fred, Amber, William, and I did just as mom wanted. Again, I knelt down to my sister's grave, and told her, "not much longer baby girl, Grandma will be here soon". With tears flowing, we left and headed to the church. The service for my Grandmother was absolutely beautiful. The music was beautiful, and the words spoken about my Grandmother were amazing. After the service, we were told to take as much time as we needed to say our goodbye. I approached Grandmother, and found myself at a loss of words other than to say "I'm so sorry". I hadn't seen my Grandmother in 2 years, and hadn't called her in a few months. It was so hard to talk to her as she suffered from dimentia and our conversations were so hard emotionally for me. I guess, at that moment, I had only one regret....I hadn't called her, I hadn't told her I loved her one more time.
In life, we can easily get consumed with day to day tasks and neglect to stop and take time to reflect upon those who have helped us get to where we are. My Grandmother was my world. She taught me how to love unconditionally, the importance of family, the significance of an education, and most importantly the Love of our Lord and Savior. When someone leaves this Earth, we know they fall to the feet of Jesus. However, we are left on this Earth to mourn their death and struggle with regrets we may have. One week later, I don't struggle with whether or not my Grandmother loved me, I know she did. What I do struggle with is I did not tell her one more I Love You!