As I reflect on the past year, I realize the many emotions my heart has struggled with. A mother's heart is so tender, yet so strong. A mother's heart has to love, lead, nurture, and trust. However, a mother's heart also hurts and sometimes cries. Throught this year, this mother's heart has confronted many of these emotions.
July, 2010, my heart was saddened yet reassured. I spent many hours and days sad for having to leave our precious William in the hospital as he spent his early days learning to eat and grow. Sure, I was sad, I am a mommy. However, through this experience, my heart was renewed and reassured of God's everlasting love and commitment to me, His child.
Shortly after bringing William home, my heart was once again sad, however, this time, it was hurting watching my precious Amber enter high school. As a mother, I foster so many dreams for my children; as do all mommys. However, as those dreams begin to be realized and the reality of your sweet babies growing sometimes is too much to bear. However, Amber taught my heart to be proud. Proud of her as a growing young lady, proud of her Christian Faith and steadfast walk with the Lord, proud of her grades, and most of all proud of her example as a sister to her baby brother. My heart is overwhelmed with happiness and pride as I watch her lead her baby brother in Christian Faith while loving him and showing him an unconditional level of patience and devotion. My heart could not be happier.
March, 2011 brought fear to my heart. Fear of the unknown, fear of feeling a failure at being able to provide for my children, and fear of God's plan at that moment in time. A house fire has always been one of my greatest fears. When this fear became our reality, my heart had to overcome so many emotions both with my personal being and with God. My human nature wanted to question His plan, His desires, His reasoning. However, I was quickly reminded, that was not for me to do. My heart realized the unconditional love of our friends and co-workers that taught us how to love more than we ever did. I often wondered if I was taught to love more or if I was being reminded not to take smaller things for granted. The fear within my heart was quickly replaced once again by His reassurance of Love and commitment to Me, His child.
April, 2011 brought joy to my heart as we learned we would welcome a new member into our family. However, just two short weeks later, this joy would be replaced once again with fear and saddness of the unknown. I experienced some complications and after several hours in the ER was told we would most likely lose this precious life. After seeing a faint heartbeat on ultrasound, I refused to accept this, however, as we traveled home late that evening, I cried out to my husband and to my God, "Why?". As the weeks went on and multiple viability scans later, God reminded my heart once again, not to quesiton his "Why". We would soon learn we had a growing baby that wanted a chance and deserved a chance at life and I was determined to give this sweet baby just that. We would soon learn the due date was Christmas Day and AGAIN my fear and saddness was replaced with His reassurance of Love and commitment to Me, His child.
A mother's heart can be complicated. In the end, it really is simple. A mother loves with all her being despite the challenges. A mother seeks nothing more than happiness for her heart and the heart of her children. God reminds us of His Love through these very challenges. I could have chosen to have a heart filled with bitter and anger. However, God placed in me a heart of Love and Forgiveness. A heart filled with Joy and Praise. I many not always walk His path with Grace and many times I trip quite a bit on the rocks.
I will forever be a mommy and inside this mother's heart one can only find Love and Joy. I am thankful for the journey of emotions in my heart this past year. I am thankful for my periods of bitterness and anger as I was taught to deal with these and allow God to carry me and trust His plan even though it may not have been my plan. As I continue on this journey as a mother, I pray my heart speaks to my children through my words and my actions. I pray my children hear my love, see my love, and learn to give that same love to others. I'm far from perfect, but this mother's heart is full.