Forever a Mother of Three

WARNING...I'm a bit honest in this one....


As I sit in this hospital room day in and day out, there is so much time for reflection. Of course, I do spend a lot of time missing my kids and what was our normal, struggling to realize and accept our "normal" as it is now. I recognize this is temporary, just a season in life, however, that doesn't minimize the pain my heart feels as I watch my babies walk down the hall each day as I tell them good bye.

I am entering my third week in the hospital. Three weeks have gone by that I haven't kissed my children goodnight right before they closed their eyes, rocked my precious baby boy, prepared dinner for my family, snuggled next to my husband as we drifted off to sleep, or even simply listening to the ins and outs of our sweet home such as Amber singing with her earphones on, or William jabbering away with his toys. It is easy for one to tell me "this too shall pass", but for this mother of three, the passing drifts by so slow.

As with any mother, mother's are defined by the role they play in their children's lives and the legacy they leave. When I became a mother 15 years ago, as young as I was, I was determined to set an example for my daughter that she would forever carry with her. I wanted her to see in me my determination to succeed, the unconditional love I had for her, and most importantly the presence of God in me. For many years, it was just her, my precious Amber. So each day, I worked toward making sure she felt safe, secure, loved, and knew God. She was my rock, and in many ways, she taught me far more than I think I've taught her. She has taught me patience, grace, and how to truly deeply trust in God.

God saw fit to allow me to become a mother of two. Although so many years past between Amber and William, my role as a mother never changed. Except now, I took on this role alongside being a wife to my Husband. Once again, I stand amazed at what he, even at such a young age, has taught me. From the beginning, he taught us strength, patience, and most importantly the power of prayer and trusting God. As he laid so peacefully in the NICU, we struggled with our heavy hearts leaving him daily/nightly. However, we relied on God and prayer to carry us. Even today, our precious William teaches us to laugh at the small stuff, and even through struggles, there is an innocence in all of us.


Now, this day, I am a mother of three. Although our Elizabeth Grace is still growing in my womb, she is ours. As the days and weeks pass by, I struggle with trying to be a mother to three children at a time when one of those children so desperately relies on me. Time and time again doctors, nurses, friends, and family have told me I cannot sit here and "worry" or "think" about my children at home. How can anyone expect a mother of one, two, or three, to turn the switch to "off". As a mother, we instinctively live to provide for, nurture, and love our children despite life's obstacles or challenges that may stand in our way. I recognize my role in assuring Elizabeth Grace is born strong and healthy, but don't I still have that same role with Amber and William?

This journey has been and continues to be a roller coaster of emotions. I'll be honest, there are just some days, I don't want to face this "normal" or another day of riding a roller coaster trying to make it "all" work. However, even from this bed, miles away from my home and my children, I am a mother of three, and I will forever be a mother of three.

The One and Only Physician

The past few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have struggled so much with my emotions about being in the hospital away from my precious children and my sweet husband. Although I know my children are well, and my husband is truly amazing, I'm still the mommy. The mommy in me wants to be there, longs to be there, and desires to do all that mommy's do. However, I have had to accept that just can't be right now. I am thankful that I see my precious children every day, which is much more than most women here. I am thankful for all the prayers, thoughts, and help we have received in the past few weeks. I am most thankful for my Lord and Savior who has carried us this far, and I know he isn't letting us go anytime soon.

I had a visit from my general OB this morning. This was not a routine visit, but a visit out of care and concern for me being here. He sat with me a while, and then began to be forthright and honest with me about our precious Elizabeth Grace. As we talked, he told me how he had been in contact with my doctors in Florida. There were three doctors who saw and/or treated me while there. He said after speaking with them, there was a common consensus I would not make it out of the 19th week before delivering our precious girl to the Lord. Once we arrived back in Georgia, I immediately saw my general OB for a follow up after the long trip home. At that point, I sensed worry, but again, at that time, he was shielding us from what we didn't realize was the seriousness of our situation. He told me when he sent me to the specialists and admitted me to Labor and Delivery, he just knew in 48 hours he would deliver our girl. All indications were I was developing and infection and my stitch was weakening to the pressure of my membranes. After 48 hours, once again, they were shocked. They moved me to the High Risk Unit still believing by weeks end, we would deliver our precious girl. He said no doctor reviewing my chart felt she would make it to 20 weeks.

As we approach Monday we are entering week 21. Elizabeth Grace, is growing ahead of her schedule, maintaining an amazing heartrate, and plays and plays. She plays so much at times in the evening I have to rock in the bed to calm her and most times, the nurses have to chase her to get her heartrate. My blood pressure is "phenomenal" never fluctuating, and I have never run a temperature, and all blood work indicates no infection. In fact, the beginnings of the infection seen last Monday is no longer there. That brings me to where I am today. There have been six doctors professionally feel our girl wouldn't make it. Our journey is far from over, but each day draws us closer to Him and His promises to us. We could not be more proud to travel this journey as her mother and father. We are brought to tears, He chose us and our children to be the testimony of His Grace and the power of Prayer.

Although this journey is difficult, God has proven Himself the one and only physician. He knows Elizabeth Grace's destiny and He is the only one who knows how long she'll remain in my womb, in our arms, or with Him. My human flesh becomes scared at times, and I do cry a lot. However, I am always comforted by the Love only He can give and the Peach only He can provide.

Love,
Jamie

The Source of Our Strength

In April, 2011, we were told, to our surprise, we would be adding a new member to our family. Little did we at that time, how much this surprise would forever change our lives, our Faith, and our hearts.

At 5 weeks pregnant, I experienced quite a bit of bleeding. Fred immediately rushed me to the hospital to find out what was going on with me and/or our precious baby. After many tests, monitoring, and observation, we were told I had a subchorionic hemotoma and we would most likely loose this baby. After seeing a tiny seed with a beating heart, I was not ready to accept this to be it. The ride home from the hospital was difficult. As I stroked William's hair in his car seat as he drifted off to sleep, I couldn't stop crying at the thought that there was a life inside of me and I felt at a loss as to how to save this life God had given us. Later that evening, I was reminded by Him that our children are not really ours, they are His. He loans them to us temporarily, and when He is ready, He calls them home to Him.

Selfishly, I continued to question God. As if that was my place to do so. A week passed and we had a viability scan with my general OB. I was terrified as to what we may find at this visit. However, we found a heartbeat and a growing baby inside of me. Again, I was humbled and brought to tears. We were told we would take it day by day and do another viability scan at 8 weeks. That time came around and once again, we entered the doctor's office scared. And....once again, there it was, a beating heartbeat inside a beautiful growing baby. For a while, my heart would smile and we would begin the "fun" part of pregnancy.

I spent the next several weeks sick as I could be, but continued to hear and see a healthy baby growing inside of me.

We decided mid July we would make our normal summer trip to Florida to visit family and friends. However, before leaving, we had to coordinate a home nurse to administer my 17 P injections which my doctor ordered to prevent preterm labor. This was proving to be difficult, but we were finally able to schedule a nurse to see us in Florida. I began the injections on July 24th, right at 17 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Wednesday morning of that week I woke up having some intense intermittent cramping in my lower abdomen that didn't seem to let up. I contacted my OB and they recommended I be seen right away. Fred took me to the hospital and fortunately, my previous OB was on call and was able to see me in Labor and Delivery. After an examination we learned my cervix had begun to then to 50%. We knew this was not a good thing so early on, so once again, we were terrified. He performed an ultrasound and we asked if he could tell us what we were having. After several minutes, it was very clear we were having a precious baby girl. At that time, we thought her name would be Madison Elizabeth, however, we have since changed that and now she is our precious Elizabeth Grace.

After consulting with several doctors on call as well as my OB in Georgia, it was agreed that I was not stable enough to return home. I was referred to Shands, a high risk hospital, and admitted within hours. On Friday, I was taken in for a cerclage placement when we discovered I had dilated to 2. Again, as I laid awake in the OR hearing the concern in the doctor's voices, I was overwhelmed with fear, while at the same time comforted by a peace that only God could give me. They reassured me they would do the best they could while trying to avoid both my membranes and the baby. For a brief second, I thought, it's not "the baby" this is our precious girl, Elizabeth Grace.

The placement went as well as could be expected under the circumstances and I spent the next day and a half recovering. Saturday night, the doctors felt they had done all they could do and were satisfied with my stability and said we could return home. We spent Sunday resting and begin our trip home on Monday. The trip went well. Amber listened to music and William watched Mickey and Elmo the whole ride home. I began to feel some pressure and cramping so I contacted my doctor. He immediately requested I be seen upon our return just to double check everything. We had an ultrasound and discovered my cervix had shortened again. He sent me to my specialists to perform another ultrasound. During this ultrasound I began contracting and the specialists immediately send me for admission to Labor and Delivery. We would spend the next two days uncertain and scared. We knew God could do anything, but 19 weeks was just way too early to deliver our precious girl. On Tuesday, I was moved to HRP (High Risk Pregnancy Unit) and given what we were told was a permanent room.

Nights passed and my heart continued to break. It broke for my precious unborn daughter, it broke for my precious babies because I missed them so very much, and it broke for the future which was unknown to us. I had plenty of time to sink myself deep into thought and prayer and once again He proved faithful. I could hear Him speak to me reminding me, our Elizabeth Grace's plan was already decided.

God's plan for all our lives is defined long before we are even conceived. Our human nature tends to want to change or control that plan, when it's not our place. My prayers were to carry my precious baby to term, hold her in my arms, and carry her home. However, I soon realized my prayer needed to be for the strength to accept His plan and to praise him in the meantime.

Today is Friday, and it looks like things are slightly improving in my body and it's efforts to carry our baby. We remain hopeful I can return home to my precious family and continue bed rest with my children and my husband at my side. Although Elizabeth Grace's future remains unknown to us, it is known to Him. Should He decide to call her to Him, we trust he will give us the strength we need to praise him through that time.

Each day she teaches us to love big and cherish every moment. Each time I feel her move, I am thankful for that day and that moment with her. Fred and I are honored God chose us to be her parents.

For now, we continue to pray and trust Him. That is our source of strength.

Inside a Mother's Heart

As I reflect on the past year, I realize the many emotions my heart has struggled with. A mother's heart is so tender, yet so strong. A mother's heart has to love, lead, nurture, and trust. However, a mother's heart also hurts and sometimes cries. Throught this year, this mother's heart has confronted many of these emotions.

July, 2010, my heart was saddened yet reassured. I spent many hours and days sad for having to leave our precious William in the hospital as he spent his early days learning to eat and grow. Sure, I was sad, I am a mommy. However, through this experience, my heart was renewed and reassured of God's everlasting love and commitment to me, His child.

Shortly after bringing William home, my heart was once again sad, however, this time, it was hurting watching my precious Amber enter high school. As a mother, I foster so many dreams for my children; as do all mommys. However, as those dreams begin to be realized and the reality of your sweet babies growing sometimes is too much to bear. However, Amber taught my heart to be proud. Proud of her as a growing young lady, proud of her Christian Faith and steadfast walk with the Lord, proud of her grades, and most of all proud of her example as a sister to her baby brother. My heart is overwhelmed with happiness and pride as I watch her lead her baby brother in Christian Faith while loving him and showing him an unconditional level of patience and devotion. My heart could not be happier.

March, 2011 brought fear to my heart. Fear of the unknown, fear of feeling a failure at being able to provide for my children, and fear of God's plan at that moment in time. A house fire has always been one of my greatest fears. When this fear became our reality, my heart had to overcome so many emotions both with my personal being and with God. My human nature wanted to question His plan, His desires, His reasoning. However, I was quickly reminded, that was not for me to do. My heart realized the unconditional love of our friends and co-workers that taught us how to love more than we ever did. I often wondered if I was taught to love more or if I was being reminded not to take smaller things for granted. The fear within my heart was quickly replaced once again by His reassurance of Love and commitment to Me, His child.

April, 2011 brought joy to my heart as we learned we would welcome a new member into our family. However, just two short weeks later, this joy would be replaced once again with fear and saddness of the unknown. I experienced some complications and after several hours in the ER was told we would most likely lose this precious life. After seeing a faint heartbeat on ultrasound, I refused to accept this, however, as we traveled home late that evening, I cried out to my husband and to my God, "Why?". As the weeks went on and multiple viability scans later, God reminded my heart once again, not to quesiton his "Why". We would soon learn we had a growing baby that wanted a chance and deserved a chance at life and I was determined to give this sweet baby just that. We would soon learn the due date was Christmas Day and AGAIN my fear and saddness was replaced with His reassurance of Love and commitment to Me, His child.

A mother's heart can be complicated. In the end, it really is simple. A mother loves with all her being despite the challenges. A mother seeks nothing more than happiness for her heart and the heart of her children. God reminds us of His Love through these very challenges. I could have chosen to have a heart filled with bitter and anger. However, God placed in me a heart of Love and Forgiveness. A heart filled with Joy and Praise. I many not always walk His path with Grace and many times I trip quite a bit on the rocks.

I will forever be a mommy and inside this mother's heart one can only find Love and Joy. I am thankful for the journey of emotions in my heart this past year. I am thankful for my periods of bitterness and anger as I was taught to deal with these and allow God to carry me and trust His plan even though it may not have been my plan. As I continue on this journey as a mother, I pray my heart speaks to my children through my words and my actions. I pray my children hear my love, see my love, and learn to give that same love to others. I'm far from perfect, but this mother's heart is full.

Facing Challenges with Grace (Well...continuing to learn how)

Well...guess the true trials of motherhood seem to come all at once. William went to bed all by himself last night for the first time. Not sure how to feel about that one. I do love holding him, rocking him, and feeling him breathe on my chest as he drifts off to sleep sucking his precious little finger. But...at the same time, we do have to "let them fly" at times, right? Not sure!?!? He didn't cry, and when I went in 20 minutes later, he was fast asleep, tucked under his blue blanket, with his little finger in his mouth. Oh how precious he is.

Now on to raising a teenager. Wow! I guess that's the best word for that. I am so very proud of my girl, far beyond words could say. But, she is a teenager, and that alone requires lots of prayer and patience. I continue to trust that God has her in His hands when I don't and He will gently guide her and carry her through the journey she takes into adulthood in these coming years. Sigh....oh how I wish I could make her tiny again. Maybe hold her and rock her one more time. My precious girl.

Now that that's out....we can move on to being the wife. Oh how I love my husband, but there are days I feel as though that's all I have to offer him at the end of the day. My idea that stay-at-home moms was all about lunch dates, cute smiles, and shopping was WAY off. Not to say I don't have those days, because I have many. But, my day to day tasks don't always include lunch dates, much less lunch. Here is just a peek:

5:00 - Wake up; Stumble down the stairs to make lunches and breakfast for Amber and Fred
5:15 - William wakes up; change diaper; feed him
6:00 - Tell Fred and Amber good bye; play time with William (he demands it)
6:30 - attempt to clean the kitchen; William demands more attention so play time
7:00 - William Nap #1 (may be the only one for the day)
7:00 - put a load of laundry on; wash dishes/bottles from the morning; make beds; fold & put away any clothes laying around from the day/evening before; check emails; check FB; blog; and if I'm lucky, maybe catch a few minutes of a nap
8:30 - William is up ready for breakfast; change diaper; feed William; William plays in swing and walker
8:45 - Make me breakfast; eat while playing with William
9:00 - Switch out laundry; wash breakfast dishes; walk the dog (who has been begging since 5:00, but couldn't find the time)
9:30 - More play time with William; if I'm lucky he plays while I'm able to make phone calls, pay bills, check off my to-do-list and check in on my doctorate class work and status (Yep...working on my doctorate!)
10:00 - William gets cranky; Change diaper; Have juice; rock to sleep for Nap #2 (If I'm lucky.) If no nap, then it's a "hold me" kind of day until he gives up and surrenders to sleep. During this time, NOTHING gets done except snuggle time and play time with William

Depending on nap or not depends on what gets done for the afternoon. This usually invovles more laundry, dusting, vaccuming, emptying trash cans, phone calls, emails, blog, doctorate work, organizing office and mail (which is almost always piled up)

3:00 - Get ready for the evening; Decide on dinner plans; begin dinner
3:30 - Fred and Amber are home; most days I have my neighbor's son after school during this time
4:00 - William is hungry; Chanage diaper; prepare William's dinner; feed William; Remind Amber to get started with studying and homework
4:30 - Finish our dinner; and get ready to eat
5:00 - William bath; Make sure Amber is doing homework and studying not playing on the phone or FB
5:15 - 6:15 - Discuss Amber's day, homework, upcoming dates/tests/projects; play with William; laundry; general housework
6:30 - 7:00 - William to bed (hopefully)
7:00 - Make sure Amber has finished all her homework
7:30 - dishes, pick up kid toys, dog toys, and clutter around the house
8:00 - final load of laundry for the day; walk the dog; check emails and check in with doctorate work
8:15 - If I don't pass out, I use this time to get work on the computer done for my classes, then at some point I stumble up stairs and go to sleep.

So needless to say, there is never a dull moment or a time when I sit and think about how bored I am. I'm almost always behind on doctorate work, the dog does get walked, but not often. He spends much of his time at the door begging (sad, I know). Trying to work in a conversation with girl friends is close to impossible because I haven't figured out how to hold the phone and switch out laundry, wash dishes, and fold clothes without hurting my neck. Now William has learned to grab the phone so most of the time he's pulling it out of my hand anyway.

I write this in hopes that you will find the humor in it as I do. I have nothing to complain about! I am living and walking a very blessed life. I never said it was a perfect life, nor did I ever say it came without it's challenges. I wake up each day blessed to take on a new day with my children and my family. I couldn't ask for much more than that.

So I will continue to face each challenge with Faith that He continues to hold my hand. My prayer is that I will find some way to walk through each challenge with Grace; as I know I fall short here often.

Love,
Jamie

He Who Holds My Hand

The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day today. One more reminder of who holds my hand. As we travel this journey called life, sometimes you find you are weaker than you think. I like to think I stand on two solid feet, and am able to face any challenge with grace. However, right now, I feel like I'm stumbling through these days. Let me point out, I'm blessed beyond belief. I'm thankful for all I have and more so for the ability to be able to devote 100% of myself to my children and my husband. That does not mean, I'm walking or stumbling with grace.

I know during my greatest of challenges, He does hold my hand. However, sometimes I feel I am tugging at his hand in an effort to remain in control and try to fix it all by myself. One of my favorite songs reminds me that despite our challenges or trials, God will show up just in time. I guess right now, I'm weak in my Faith and need to be reminded more that I'm not in control, He is. He not only holds my hand, but He is holding the hands of my children when I can't. I have to trust in Him to be there when I'm not, and to give them the wisdom they need to grow in Him and to walk in His ways. Maybe I should take that advise for myself?

Being a mom is hard. Even more difficult, when as a mom, you have to release one string at a time and allow your "babies" to soar on their own wings. Why is this part of being a mom so hard?

I guess it's one of those days. It is beautiful outside and I'm living a beautiful life. That doesn't mean clouds won't show up every now and then. Bring on the rain, because I know He is holding my hand.

One More I Love You....

Wow! It's been several months since I posted to my blog. Is that a sign of my busy life, or a simple neglect for taking the time to stop and reflect upon the wonderful things happening? I hope to blog more and continue to share what God continues to do in me and with my family.

I want to take a trip back in time to January 25, 2011. This day will forever be etched in my mind. I began the morning by rushing around, as usual. I woke up at 5:00 to make sure Fred and Amber had lunches for the day and saw them out the door at 6:00. Wow...so early! I thought I would use my time wisely while William slept, however, he decided to wake up. So, we had breakfast, played together, and than began to rush around to get ready to head out the door ourselves for Bible Study. The morning began so well, and I had such a wonderful time with my women's group and all my sweet friends there. Afterwards, we went to lunch and enjoyed each other's company deciding whether or not we were going to go shopping or head home for a nap. Well...okay....so I did a little shopping, but the nap would ultimately win....or so I thought.

William and I arrived home shortly after 1:00. I began to hustle around to prepare his lunch because he was sure making it known he was hungry. As I began to prepare his lunch, my cell phone rang...I looked over and it said "Mom". I answered the phone and heard a painful cry from my mother. Her words were scattered and it was hard to understand her through her tears of pain. I said "MOM" and her response was "Momma died this morning, call Fred". My mother knows I don't always hold myself together, and has reminded me time and time again that's why God gave me Fred. I cried out, "No, No, No...not now". I immediately called Fred, and he and Amber rushed home to comfort me.

Anyone with children, especially a teenager and a baby, knows the crazy life we as moms lead. Recognizing I still had to feed my baby, and gather myself for Amber's sake, I continued preparing William's lunch crying as I did so. Knowing we had to make some immediate plans to travel to Arkansas, I began to gather myself and my thoughts to try and make since out of something I didn't understand. Why? I kept asking...I wanted to see her one more time, I wanted to tell her I loved her one more time, I wanted to hear her tell me she loved me one more time, and I want one more gentle kiss on my forehead one more time!

I spent much of that evening in the arms of my husband. Oh the sweet memories of my beautiful Grandmother and how they filled my mind and my heart at such a sad time. We spent the following day packing and preparing for a trip to Arkansas. We left early Thursday morning and arrived Thursday evening. We had dinner with the family, and began what we knew would be a very difficult weekend for all of us. The next morning, I woke up and asked Fred to take me to the funeral home so I could be with Grandma alone. He did just that. As I entered the room, there she was, her red suit, her beautiful hair, and her make up so simple. She looked so beautiful, yet in all that beauty, my heart sank and my tears began to run endlessly. I held her hand, kissed her forehead, and told her over and over how much I loved her. As we left, I asked Fred to take me to the cemetary. Recognizing this would be overwhelming, I gathered my tissues, and we drove the short distance to the cemetary. As we arrived, I was overcome with emotion at the reality that my Grandma would be there the next day. I sat down next to my baby sister's grave and simply cried. I found myself hurting so bad, yet feeling the relief of knowing our God dries our tears and comforts us when we hurt. I knew we needed to head back to the hotel and prepare for the visitation later in the evening. As I stood up, I fell to my knees, and told my sister, "It's your turn baby girl, Grandma will be here soon". Little did I know at that moment, how my baby sister, and those words would be my source of comfort.

The visitation went well. The flowers were beautiful, and we saw many friends and family. Again, as I left, I kissed my Grandma, told her how beautiful she was, and that I would see her the next day. The next morning was very difficult. Mom had asked that I take some flowers to the cemetary and make sure all the tombstones were pretty. Fred, Amber, William, and I did just as mom wanted. Again, I knelt down to my sister's grave, and told her, "not much longer baby girl, Grandma will be here soon". With tears flowing, we left and headed to the church. The service for my Grandmother was absolutely beautiful. The music was beautiful, and the words spoken about my Grandmother were amazing. After the service, we were told to take as much time as we needed to say our goodbye. I approached Grandmother, and found myself at a loss of words other than to say "I'm so sorry". I hadn't seen my Grandmother in 2 years, and hadn't called her in a few months. It was so hard to talk to her as she suffered from dimentia and our conversations were so hard emotionally for me. I guess, at that moment, I had only one regret....I hadn't called her, I hadn't told her I loved her one more time.

In life, we can easily get consumed with day to day tasks and neglect to stop and take time to reflect upon those who have helped us get to where we are. My Grandmother was my world. She taught me how to love unconditionally, the importance of family, the significance of an education, and most importantly the Love of our Lord and Savior. When someone leaves this Earth, we know they fall to the feet of Jesus. However, we are left on this Earth to mourn their death and struggle with regrets we may have. One week later, I don't struggle with whether or not my Grandmother loved me, I know she did. What I do struggle with is I did not tell her one more I Love You!