Inside a Mother's Heart

As I reflect on the past year, I realize the many emotions my heart has struggled with. A mother's heart is so tender, yet so strong. A mother's heart has to love, lead, nurture, and trust. However, a mother's heart also hurts and sometimes cries. Throught this year, this mother's heart has confronted many of these emotions.

July, 2010, my heart was saddened yet reassured. I spent many hours and days sad for having to leave our precious William in the hospital as he spent his early days learning to eat and grow. Sure, I was sad, I am a mommy. However, through this experience, my heart was renewed and reassured of God's everlasting love and commitment to me, His child.

Shortly after bringing William home, my heart was once again sad, however, this time, it was hurting watching my precious Amber enter high school. As a mother, I foster so many dreams for my children; as do all mommys. However, as those dreams begin to be realized and the reality of your sweet babies growing sometimes is too much to bear. However, Amber taught my heart to be proud. Proud of her as a growing young lady, proud of her Christian Faith and steadfast walk with the Lord, proud of her grades, and most of all proud of her example as a sister to her baby brother. My heart is overwhelmed with happiness and pride as I watch her lead her baby brother in Christian Faith while loving him and showing him an unconditional level of patience and devotion. My heart could not be happier.

March, 2011 brought fear to my heart. Fear of the unknown, fear of feeling a failure at being able to provide for my children, and fear of God's plan at that moment in time. A house fire has always been one of my greatest fears. When this fear became our reality, my heart had to overcome so many emotions both with my personal being and with God. My human nature wanted to question His plan, His desires, His reasoning. However, I was quickly reminded, that was not for me to do. My heart realized the unconditional love of our friends and co-workers that taught us how to love more than we ever did. I often wondered if I was taught to love more or if I was being reminded not to take smaller things for granted. The fear within my heart was quickly replaced once again by His reassurance of Love and commitment to Me, His child.

April, 2011 brought joy to my heart as we learned we would welcome a new member into our family. However, just two short weeks later, this joy would be replaced once again with fear and saddness of the unknown. I experienced some complications and after several hours in the ER was told we would most likely lose this precious life. After seeing a faint heartbeat on ultrasound, I refused to accept this, however, as we traveled home late that evening, I cried out to my husband and to my God, "Why?". As the weeks went on and multiple viability scans later, God reminded my heart once again, not to quesiton his "Why". We would soon learn we had a growing baby that wanted a chance and deserved a chance at life and I was determined to give this sweet baby just that. We would soon learn the due date was Christmas Day and AGAIN my fear and saddness was replaced with His reassurance of Love and commitment to Me, His child.

A mother's heart can be complicated. In the end, it really is simple. A mother loves with all her being despite the challenges. A mother seeks nothing more than happiness for her heart and the heart of her children. God reminds us of His Love through these very challenges. I could have chosen to have a heart filled with bitter and anger. However, God placed in me a heart of Love and Forgiveness. A heart filled with Joy and Praise. I many not always walk His path with Grace and many times I trip quite a bit on the rocks.

I will forever be a mommy and inside this mother's heart one can only find Love and Joy. I am thankful for the journey of emotions in my heart this past year. I am thankful for my periods of bitterness and anger as I was taught to deal with these and allow God to carry me and trust His plan even though it may not have been my plan. As I continue on this journey as a mother, I pray my heart speaks to my children through my words and my actions. I pray my children hear my love, see my love, and learn to give that same love to others. I'm far from perfect, but this mother's heart is full.

Facing Challenges with Grace (Well...continuing to learn how)

Well...guess the true trials of motherhood seem to come all at once. William went to bed all by himself last night for the first time. Not sure how to feel about that one. I do love holding him, rocking him, and feeling him breathe on my chest as he drifts off to sleep sucking his precious little finger. But...at the same time, we do have to "let them fly" at times, right? Not sure!?!? He didn't cry, and when I went in 20 minutes later, he was fast asleep, tucked under his blue blanket, with his little finger in his mouth. Oh how precious he is.

Now on to raising a teenager. Wow! I guess that's the best word for that. I am so very proud of my girl, far beyond words could say. But, she is a teenager, and that alone requires lots of prayer and patience. I continue to trust that God has her in His hands when I don't and He will gently guide her and carry her through the journey she takes into adulthood in these coming years. Sigh....oh how I wish I could make her tiny again. Maybe hold her and rock her one more time. My precious girl.

Now that that's out....we can move on to being the wife. Oh how I love my husband, but there are days I feel as though that's all I have to offer him at the end of the day. My idea that stay-at-home moms was all about lunch dates, cute smiles, and shopping was WAY off. Not to say I don't have those days, because I have many. But, my day to day tasks don't always include lunch dates, much less lunch. Here is just a peek:

5:00 - Wake up; Stumble down the stairs to make lunches and breakfast for Amber and Fred
5:15 - William wakes up; change diaper; feed him
6:00 - Tell Fred and Amber good bye; play time with William (he demands it)
6:30 - attempt to clean the kitchen; William demands more attention so play time
7:00 - William Nap #1 (may be the only one for the day)
7:00 - put a load of laundry on; wash dishes/bottles from the morning; make beds; fold & put away any clothes laying around from the day/evening before; check emails; check FB; blog; and if I'm lucky, maybe catch a few minutes of a nap
8:30 - William is up ready for breakfast; change diaper; feed William; William plays in swing and walker
8:45 - Make me breakfast; eat while playing with William
9:00 - Switch out laundry; wash breakfast dishes; walk the dog (who has been begging since 5:00, but couldn't find the time)
9:30 - More play time with William; if I'm lucky he plays while I'm able to make phone calls, pay bills, check off my to-do-list and check in on my doctorate class work and status (Yep...working on my doctorate!)
10:00 - William gets cranky; Change diaper; Have juice; rock to sleep for Nap #2 (If I'm lucky.) If no nap, then it's a "hold me" kind of day until he gives up and surrenders to sleep. During this time, NOTHING gets done except snuggle time and play time with William

Depending on nap or not depends on what gets done for the afternoon. This usually invovles more laundry, dusting, vaccuming, emptying trash cans, phone calls, emails, blog, doctorate work, organizing office and mail (which is almost always piled up)

3:00 - Get ready for the evening; Decide on dinner plans; begin dinner
3:30 - Fred and Amber are home; most days I have my neighbor's son after school during this time
4:00 - William is hungry; Chanage diaper; prepare William's dinner; feed William; Remind Amber to get started with studying and homework
4:30 - Finish our dinner; and get ready to eat
5:00 - William bath; Make sure Amber is doing homework and studying not playing on the phone or FB
5:15 - 6:15 - Discuss Amber's day, homework, upcoming dates/tests/projects; play with William; laundry; general housework
6:30 - 7:00 - William to bed (hopefully)
7:00 - Make sure Amber has finished all her homework
7:30 - dishes, pick up kid toys, dog toys, and clutter around the house
8:00 - final load of laundry for the day; walk the dog; check emails and check in with doctorate work
8:15 - If I don't pass out, I use this time to get work on the computer done for my classes, then at some point I stumble up stairs and go to sleep.

So needless to say, there is never a dull moment or a time when I sit and think about how bored I am. I'm almost always behind on doctorate work, the dog does get walked, but not often. He spends much of his time at the door begging (sad, I know). Trying to work in a conversation with girl friends is close to impossible because I haven't figured out how to hold the phone and switch out laundry, wash dishes, and fold clothes without hurting my neck. Now William has learned to grab the phone so most of the time he's pulling it out of my hand anyway.

I write this in hopes that you will find the humor in it as I do. I have nothing to complain about! I am living and walking a very blessed life. I never said it was a perfect life, nor did I ever say it came without it's challenges. I wake up each day blessed to take on a new day with my children and my family. I couldn't ask for much more than that.

So I will continue to face each challenge with Faith that He continues to hold my hand. My prayer is that I will find some way to walk through each challenge with Grace; as I know I fall short here often.

Love,
Jamie

He Who Holds My Hand

The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day today. One more reminder of who holds my hand. As we travel this journey called life, sometimes you find you are weaker than you think. I like to think I stand on two solid feet, and am able to face any challenge with grace. However, right now, I feel like I'm stumbling through these days. Let me point out, I'm blessed beyond belief. I'm thankful for all I have and more so for the ability to be able to devote 100% of myself to my children and my husband. That does not mean, I'm walking or stumbling with grace.

I know during my greatest of challenges, He does hold my hand. However, sometimes I feel I am tugging at his hand in an effort to remain in control and try to fix it all by myself. One of my favorite songs reminds me that despite our challenges or trials, God will show up just in time. I guess right now, I'm weak in my Faith and need to be reminded more that I'm not in control, He is. He not only holds my hand, but He is holding the hands of my children when I can't. I have to trust in Him to be there when I'm not, and to give them the wisdom they need to grow in Him and to walk in His ways. Maybe I should take that advise for myself?

Being a mom is hard. Even more difficult, when as a mom, you have to release one string at a time and allow your "babies" to soar on their own wings. Why is this part of being a mom so hard?

I guess it's one of those days. It is beautiful outside and I'm living a beautiful life. That doesn't mean clouds won't show up every now and then. Bring on the rain, because I know He is holding my hand.

One More I Love You....

Wow! It's been several months since I posted to my blog. Is that a sign of my busy life, or a simple neglect for taking the time to stop and reflect upon the wonderful things happening? I hope to blog more and continue to share what God continues to do in me and with my family.

I want to take a trip back in time to January 25, 2011. This day will forever be etched in my mind. I began the morning by rushing around, as usual. I woke up at 5:00 to make sure Fred and Amber had lunches for the day and saw them out the door at 6:00. Wow...so early! I thought I would use my time wisely while William slept, however, he decided to wake up. So, we had breakfast, played together, and than began to rush around to get ready to head out the door ourselves for Bible Study. The morning began so well, and I had such a wonderful time with my women's group and all my sweet friends there. Afterwards, we went to lunch and enjoyed each other's company deciding whether or not we were going to go shopping or head home for a nap. Well...okay....so I did a little shopping, but the nap would ultimately win....or so I thought.

William and I arrived home shortly after 1:00. I began to hustle around to prepare his lunch because he was sure making it known he was hungry. As I began to prepare his lunch, my cell phone rang...I looked over and it said "Mom". I answered the phone and heard a painful cry from my mother. Her words were scattered and it was hard to understand her through her tears of pain. I said "MOM" and her response was "Momma died this morning, call Fred". My mother knows I don't always hold myself together, and has reminded me time and time again that's why God gave me Fred. I cried out, "No, No, No...not now". I immediately called Fred, and he and Amber rushed home to comfort me.

Anyone with children, especially a teenager and a baby, knows the crazy life we as moms lead. Recognizing I still had to feed my baby, and gather myself for Amber's sake, I continued preparing William's lunch crying as I did so. Knowing we had to make some immediate plans to travel to Arkansas, I began to gather myself and my thoughts to try and make since out of something I didn't understand. Why? I kept asking...I wanted to see her one more time, I wanted to tell her I loved her one more time, I wanted to hear her tell me she loved me one more time, and I want one more gentle kiss on my forehead one more time!

I spent much of that evening in the arms of my husband. Oh the sweet memories of my beautiful Grandmother and how they filled my mind and my heart at such a sad time. We spent the following day packing and preparing for a trip to Arkansas. We left early Thursday morning and arrived Thursday evening. We had dinner with the family, and began what we knew would be a very difficult weekend for all of us. The next morning, I woke up and asked Fred to take me to the funeral home so I could be with Grandma alone. He did just that. As I entered the room, there she was, her red suit, her beautiful hair, and her make up so simple. She looked so beautiful, yet in all that beauty, my heart sank and my tears began to run endlessly. I held her hand, kissed her forehead, and told her over and over how much I loved her. As we left, I asked Fred to take me to the cemetary. Recognizing this would be overwhelming, I gathered my tissues, and we drove the short distance to the cemetary. As we arrived, I was overcome with emotion at the reality that my Grandma would be there the next day. I sat down next to my baby sister's grave and simply cried. I found myself hurting so bad, yet feeling the relief of knowing our God dries our tears and comforts us when we hurt. I knew we needed to head back to the hotel and prepare for the visitation later in the evening. As I stood up, I fell to my knees, and told my sister, "It's your turn baby girl, Grandma will be here soon". Little did I know at that moment, how my baby sister, and those words would be my source of comfort.

The visitation went well. The flowers were beautiful, and we saw many friends and family. Again, as I left, I kissed my Grandma, told her how beautiful she was, and that I would see her the next day. The next morning was very difficult. Mom had asked that I take some flowers to the cemetary and make sure all the tombstones were pretty. Fred, Amber, William, and I did just as mom wanted. Again, I knelt down to my sister's grave, and told her, "not much longer baby girl, Grandma will be here soon". With tears flowing, we left and headed to the church. The service for my Grandmother was absolutely beautiful. The music was beautiful, and the words spoken about my Grandmother were amazing. After the service, we were told to take as much time as we needed to say our goodbye. I approached Grandmother, and found myself at a loss of words other than to say "I'm so sorry". I hadn't seen my Grandmother in 2 years, and hadn't called her in a few months. It was so hard to talk to her as she suffered from dimentia and our conversations were so hard emotionally for me. I guess, at that moment, I had only one regret....I hadn't called her, I hadn't told her I loved her one more time.

In life, we can easily get consumed with day to day tasks and neglect to stop and take time to reflect upon those who have helped us get to where we are. My Grandmother was my world. She taught me how to love unconditionally, the importance of family, the significance of an education, and most importantly the Love of our Lord and Savior. When someone leaves this Earth, we know they fall to the feet of Jesus. However, we are left on this Earth to mourn their death and struggle with regrets we may have. One week later, I don't struggle with whether or not my Grandmother loved me, I know she did. What I do struggle with is I did not tell her one more I Love You!

Growing Babies!

Our family continues to stand in amazement at God's loving Grace. William is growing so fast and doing so well. At his doctor's appointment the first of October (2 month checkup) he was 11 lbs and 7 oz. He was measuring in the 21st%tile. This was up from the 8th%tile the month before. He is eating peaches, apples, pears, and rice cereal now and loving it. He eats it for breakfast and dinner right now.



Amber continues to do very well in high school. We are so very proud of her. She joined the Fellowship of Christian Athletes Club and hopefully will join the Latin club soon. She really is enjoying that class a lot. She stays busy with her school work and church. I believe she would live at church if we would let her. She attended her first high school dance the first of October. Although it's so sad to see her so grown up, she's just so beautiful. I couldn't be more proud of her. She is getting ready to attend a youth retreat with the church this weekend. She looks forward to this every year.


I am going to begin doing a little sub work in my former school to earn a little extra cash for the holidays. I only plan on doing 1 or 2 days a week. We have a dear friend who will be coming to our home to keep William. I know she'll love on him while I'm gone. My first day is the 19th. If it is too hard, I won't do any more. I'm very blessed that I don't have to work and can do it at my leisure.

We will be heading to Florida for Thanksgiving! There are still many family members who are patiently waiting to meet William for the first time. My sister will be home with her kiddos this year so mom and dad will have all 6 grandbabies home for Thanksgiving. They are really looking forward to that!

The holidays are such a busy time of year. I hope to continue to post to the blog through the holiday season, however, if I get busy, I wish each of you a very blessed Holiday Season!

As many of you know, since my last post, we have welcomed our precious baby boy, William Frederic Ashford into this world. However, many of you may not know the journey we took in the days preceeding his birth. I went for my normal weekly appointment with my OB on Tuesday, July 20th. I expressed to him I felt like the baby had dropped. After his examination, he revealed to us I was 80% and 2 cm. I was right at 33 weeks pregnant at this appointment. We could hear the concern in his voice as he ordered his nurse to immediately put me on the monitor while he contacted the hospital. We arrived at the hospital shortly thereafter where we anticipated I would stay for a 48 hour observational period. However, the next 48 hours would reveal to us, we would be welcoming our precious boy long before his due date which was September 7th. After multiple attempts by the doctors to stop the labor, on Thursday afternoon, July 22nd, the doctors agreed to allow my body to do what it would do. I continued contracting feeling only short periods of discomfort. Friday morning, July 23rd I was moved from the bed rest unit, to labor and delivery where we prepared for delivery and consulted with the team from the NICU. For the first time, we were afraid of the unknown for our son. I would not be until Saturday night, July 24th at 6:29 p.m. that William would arrive.

Although William required very little respiratory help, he struggled with his feedings. He was admitted to the NICU by 6:50 with his daddy right beside him. It would not be until 8:00 before I was able to see him again. My mom, dad, Amber, Fred, and I spent a little time with him that evening. After mom and dad left the hospital with Amber, Fred and I spent some additional time holding him and talking to him to reassure him we were there. Seeing him in such an unexpected way, was very difficult. On our way up to see him, Fred tried to prepare me for what I would see, however, it still came as a shock to see so many cords and the IV in his tiny little hand. However, he was so precious and so calm as he laid there. I wanted so badly to make it all better right then and there, but I knew we were going to have to trust God.

I was discharged two days later. Leaving the hospital that day would prove to be very difficult for both Fred and I. As we loaded into the car, we both simply sat briefly, cried, and watched the hospital disappear as we drove off leaving our baby boy behind. We would spend the next 14 days and 13 nights making multiple trips to and from the hospital to be by William. While there, we would rock him, sing to him, and read to him. Although he slept much of the time, Fred, Amber, and I felt he needed to know we were there. Many times, Amber would sit and talk to him while she rocked him. Seeing her loving him and offering him a sense of security was overwhelming for me. I was so proud of her patience and strength during this time. I often felt torn with all the trips back and forth. One day, Amber looked at me and said "Mom, it's okay...I'm healthy and William needs you". I knew then, all was well, and we would soon be home altogether.

William was discharged on August 7th. Needless to say, we were thrilled to finally bring him home! These days Willliam is growing and eating like crazy. He now weighs nearly 9 pounds. My days consist of diapers, bottles, nursing, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and daily trips to pick Amber up at school. I would not trade a moment of my life for anything right now. Each day brings new joys and a greater revelation of God's love. Amber continues to do well in high school. She is loving her freshman year, but not loving the work load. She is taking 1 Advanced Placement class, and 2 Honors classes. So she stays busy with school and the youth group at our church. We could not be more proud of her, her choices, and the young lady she continues to become. As a mother, there is no greater joy than to see your child walk in the Lord. My prayer is that she'll continue to lead by example as William grows and learns to love God too.

Throughout these past few months, we have learned the importance of family and trusting in God. We have realized the faithful friends we have in our beautiful church and community. In our greatest time of need, our God, family, and friends became our strength to lean on.

Love,

Jamie, Fred, Amber & William

Changes Coming!

I am now 33 weeks pregnant! It is so hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone by. We are so excited to welcome William into our family. We are now on weekly visits with both our OB and Specialist to continue to monitor me and William. We have completed his nursery, purchased the stroller/carseat, and washed his clothes. In addition, our bags are packed for that trip to the hospital. As we prepare for William, we also prepare for Amber to begin high school.

I cannot believe my "baby" will be in high school. Time flies, and often, quicker than we ever wanted. Although we couldn't be more proud of her and confident in who she is becoming, I am still saddened by watching her grow up. I know she'll do magnificent in high school, but she'll always be my baby. She continues to follow God in all she does, and that alone, gives me a peace that nothing else could give me.

I am breezing through my doctorate program. LOL....I guess more like treading through on a gravel road at times. Although it hasn't become too challenging yet, time management is my greatest challenge.

I'll continue to post updates as we near William's arrival and Amber's first days of high school.

With Love,
Jamie